Humorous Quotes

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse. - Jarod Kintz

I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned. - Jarod Kintz

Doctors are the same as lawyers, the sole difference being that lawyers only rob you, but doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then? Ten grand? - Jay Leno

Many a husband lives to regret the extravagant fee he bestowed upon the minister who sentenced him. - Evan Esar

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. - Phyllis Diller

Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the mainstream and dam it up. - John Naisbitt

It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring. - Lemony Snicket

A line is a dot that went for a walk. - Paul Klee

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