Humorous Quotes

They ought to do away with divorce settlements. Instead, both parties should flip a coin. The winner gets to stay where he or she is and keep everything. The loser goes to Paraguay. - Suzanne Finnamore

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin

I have always considered marriage as the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery. - George Washington

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. - Oscar Wilde

The longer you go by yourself the weirder you get, and the weirder you get the longer you go by yourself. - Jim Shepard

One problem with being an expert on everything is that you cannot turn to anyone else for advice. - Gary W. Smith

You don’t need to know all the answers. No one is smart enough to ask you all the questions. - Unknown

An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do. - Dylan Thomas

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal. - Evan Esar

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention. - Unknown Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’